The Coffee Date

I had my first 3 dates (I’ll let you decide if they were all in fact dates). It took 19 days after joining the app to cement a first date. In case you’re wondering I am not a fan of coffee dates. I think they’re fine for people in the 20s or early 30s, but at a certain point I want something more serious. Coffee dates are like throw away dates, it’s a way for the person to see if they quickly connect with you face to face. I’d prefer a phone call and skip the whole coffee date. Truly, it feels closest to a job interview, right? You’re forced to sit face to face, asking questions and talking about yourself or about themselves. There isn’t an activity that you’re really doing while talking. Maybe dripping coffee on the table or your lap.

I get it though, it’s quick and you have an easy out. I think that’s where the phone call (using the apps nifty phone call feature) comes in handy. You can gauge beforehand if they person isn’t right for you or they’re completely annoying or just flat out wrong.

I don’t go to coffee shops in general, so that’s another part of my issue. I don’t have a coffee shop idea in my back pocket. So I end up spending 30min to an hour researching places.

Date 1 – They (pronouns they/them) suggested the coffee date with a stipulation that it be near a beach. This is when I noticed how most coffee places near the beach are dumps. Any many close at 4pm. But I did my due diligence and found one that was cute and had a view of the ocean (albeit at a slight distance). They were late due to ‘parking issues’. I know this is LA and traffic can be a nightmare, but don’t be late, not even 5 minutes. It’s just another sign you’re not taking the date seriously. I made sure to message them when I arrived and stated I would be waiting outside for them. This is very important. You need to be communicating with your ‘date’, if you’re not it’s the the sign of bad beginnings. When I got there I did check inside and outside first before messaging them. Once it was time to order they jumped in front of me and made sure they placed their order first and only their order. I guess they didn’t want to leave it up to me. I would have just paid for my own drink too, but this sets the tone. I wasn’t the one that asked for a coffee date. In general I didn’t find them awkward or they didn’t make me uncomfortable. It was good conversation. I did notice they kept me talking a little more about me than themselves, which is usually a sign that they don’t want to open up. At the end, we did not exchange phone numbers or setup a second date. As they were walking away (only halfway facing me) they said ‘hit me up sometime, if you’re going to a comedy show’. I took that as a blow off. I certainly am not hitting them up, that just makes me look desperate. I can tell when someone is not interested. I don’t need to orchestrate a facade to spare their feelings. Lastly, in setting up the date they mentioned after coffee maybe we could go walking down by the beach. This obviously never happened. I think it best to not throw in a ‘maybe’ beforehand, it’s like false advertising. You can be thinking about it in your head and if you decide to go through with it, then it comes across more a s compliment while on a date. But to mention it and not do it, just cements more how much you’re not interested. Spare me. – Update – It’s been a week since this date and today I notice they are no longer matched with me.

Date 2 – Another coffee date, again at their request. I did the research and pick the place. I always pick a place with an outside patio. I looked for them when I arrived. There was one man way in the back corner that could be them, but I couldn’t tell with all the trees. I really think it’s inconsideration to seat yourself before I arrive. So I opened up the app and messaged him that I was there. Sure enough, he WAS sitting way back in the corner. Why wouldn’t you message me that you’ve arrived? Why are you sitting there working on your laptop? I’m clearly not your priority at the moment. Yes, he told me he got there an hour early to do some work, but he could have messaged me that information. AND of course, he already has his coffee. With the bad start start of so many no-no’s, I just thought fuck it, I’m not going inside to get a drink, let’s just do this and get out of here. He was visually nervous, which in turn makes me nervous. The conversation was alright, in all the awkward pauses I found myself staring off into space. Where do you look? Do you just stare at them until they say something? I wasn’t completely into them, but I wasn’t going to write them off. They were kind enough to message me later they had fun and even when to a Thrift Store I suggested, but the next day they were no longer on my match list. We didn’t exchange numbers or setup a second date. I did notice that some of the information on their profile was not accurate, I don’t like when people fudge the truth.

Date 3 – This fellow seems to have a little more sense to have the phone call via the app before meeting up. He did have that written in the profile as a preference. Off the bat that seems like good communication skills. I didn’t feel like I was completely clicking with them at all. Maybe the best word to describe them would be slightly pretentious. I’m being as open and honest as possible. Clearly, I love my hobby, but they used one of the questions they asked me as a chance to take a cheap shot at the love of my hobby. Up until this point, we weren’t making jokes. The tone of the conversation was not humorous. Know your audience. I’ve had very jokey dates before where we are on the same page about laughing and being funny. But this came out of left field and was just a cheap shot. I answered the question calmly. The stated ‘If you have a problem with the ‘hobby’ (I used actual hobby name here) thing’, then all I heard was silence. Nothing. No walking back the comment, no apologies, nothing. I started to cry because I hate dating. I’m opening myself up and being honest and this person is being mean. As soon as they realized I was crying they said ‘I was joking, it was just a joke’. Which is the worst. When I could finally catch my breath I said ‘You think I haven’t heard that before? I’m going to go now’. The next day I unmatched them.